what he didn't need
by GirlMood
Summary: Because there's more chance of Ike ruining a birthday party than Kieran. /AU-verse crack


**Title:** what he didn't need  
**Author**: GirlMood / passivesky  
**Fandom**: Fire Emblem - Path of Radiance/Radiant Dawn  
**Summary**: Because there is a better chance of Ike ruining a birthday party than Kieran. /AU-verse Crack  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own FE or affiliated properties. All rights are reserved by their respective owners. I make no profit from this writing.  
**Notes**: It's full of crack and fail!humor. Oh, and Mordecai is a cat. As in...well, a housecat. :T  
**Notes 2.0:** Please don't take this too seriously D;  
**Notes 3.0**: In case anyone is wondering, I'm totally still working on _When We Were Brave_. It's just that writing through writer's block is like navigating your way out of a paper bag. :{

* * *

**what he didn't need**

_This is what is happening in the Kitchen_:

Boyd and Heather are leaning against the counter top - both with a bottle of beer and drinking casually. They are also casually ignoring the sounds of violence in the next room over.

"You are a terrible friend," Boyd gasps dramatically, clasping a hand to his heart and looking stricken (although he pauses in his display of abject disapproval to take a sip of his beer and sigh in manly contentment.)

"Oh, puh-leeze," Heather flaps a hand at him airily, turning up her nose and clicking her tongue. "It'll wear off in the morning. It's just like that time when we put catnip in Mordecai's food bowl - he ran around, broke some stuff, then threw it all up in the morning! And then he was back to sleeping ten hours a day and leaving rats in Ilyana's bed. Not that she complains, really. Cat can't do any wrong in her eyes. Except, you know, buy her groceries faster than she can eat through them." Heather stops suddenly, teeth clacking together as her jaw snaps shut, and she blinks in thought. "...Boyd, you don't think she _ate_ those rats, do you?"

Abruptly, the loud banging sounds coming from the other room grow in volume, and Mist bursts into the kitchen with smeared makeup and fussy hair, throwing the door behind her and leaning against it heavily.

"Oh god!" she cries, and Boyd cringes guiltily when she begins to actually _cry_. "He's found Dad's secret stash!"

"Your father had a secret stash?" asks Heather in interest, indiscreetly sweeping an empty bottle of beer into the trash.

"Is it booze or porn?" Boyd questions offhandedly. When Mist stares blankly, Boyd nods sagely with all the intimate, vast knowledge privy to men and snaps his fingers. (Heather's unsubtle under-the-table kicking goes unnoticed.) "I knew it was porn! Bet the old man had the good double-spread stuff."

In appreciation of his brilliant deduction, Mist vaults over the counter and levels him with an impressive dropkick. Heather leans back and takes a moment to applaud.

"_You are a __terrible friend_," wheezes Boyd from the floor where he is bleeding and clawing vainly at Heather's shiny heels. "This was supposed to be my birthday party!"

* * *

_This is what is happening in the Living Room_:

Ike is Mist's brother. He is also the dearly beloved friend of Kieran, who has affixed himself to a dark corner and is trying very very _very_ hard not to breathe.

_It could hear him_.

The aforementioned 'it' is the creature previously known as Ike. Ike does not exist at the moment. Ike has been replaced by the Tequila Monster – a rare subspecies of the He-Who-Lives-To-Embarrass-Friends Drunk who is prone to streaking, mad furniture rearranging, and Shakespeare reenactments.

"TO BE OR NOT TO BE, THAT IS QUESTION!"

Across the room, Soren is crouched precariously on top of the television, holding one of his heavy medical textbooks like a shield in one hand and making furious slashing gestures at Kieran with the other. His hair is tangled and his lips are swollen from when the Tequila Monster briefly morphed into the Kissing Beast (in which Soren demonstrated his black belt in knee-to-balls kung fu.) Kieran suppresses the urge to giggle madly and throw himself out the window when the Monster makes a strafing run at him.

Instead, he screams and attempts to run up a wall.

He is not successful.

* * *

_This is what is happening Outside the Door_:

"It sounds like a murder-in-progress in there." Zihark looks understandably anxious about knocking on the door.

Mia waves a hand nonchalantly.

"Naw, I bet it's just Soren and Ike getting it on and angsting man issues. And Boyd and Mist making out on the table with half their clothes on. And Heather…." She pauses with a finger to her lips, frowning in deep concentration. Then, she snaps her fingers in revelation. "And Heather is _watching_. That sneak! I bet she's getting it on tape! Dammit, Zihark_, I want to watch, too_!"

Zihark stares at her for a moment. Then, he conspicuously takes several long steps back.

"Okay. Uh, knock yourself out."

"I will!" Mia beams and then proceeds to kick the front door in.

* * *

_This is what happens when the Police Arrive_:

"I'm sorry, Officer. It wasn't supposed to be like this. No, there were no drugs involved – my brother just got a little drunk. No, he's not an alcoholic. And, no, that's not my porn! No, really! And-"

"...oh no. Ike, no! STOP TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF! WE LOVE YOU!"


End file.
